Four Word Movie Review – Halloween (2007, Rob Zombie)

In an on going effort to save my millions of readers’ time I have yet again condensed a review down to four words. Since some people need more information than that to judge a film I have been kind enough to provide a description. Also I have included my early drafts for this review to show how my process works. I know many of you would question the logic in remaking a film that is still watch-able in genera (Horror) that ages far better than others. You would all be right, but I watched it so you have to hear about it and as always the drinking game is at the bottom.

First Draft
Don’t see this film.

Draft Two
Kill Rob Zombie…now.

Since that really didn’t please my editor, Paul Dickhead, I wrote another review.

Offensive – Why does every Rob Zombie film have to involve these offensive and stereotyped depictions of rednecks, hillbillies, and white trash? It’s like a fucking Slipknot video white a bunch of fat ugly people shrieking at each other. This makes white people look bad, I actually feel offended.

Masturbation – Rob’s just jerking off for most the film. The beginning of the original, i.e. good, film was short and sweet. Rob was able to drag it out for a fucking hour. Michael was already grown and killing babysitters by then. “Michael Myers uses masks to disconnect from the world”…then stop letting him wear the damn things. We get it Rob you liked that he wears a fucking mask.

Midget – When he murders his whole family (SPOILER ALERT IT’S LAME) he’s wearing the white Shatner mask, but it’s fucking huge so it looks like a mini Michael Myers is killing people. It’s exacerbated by the clown costume he’s wearing, like it’s Opposite Day and Michael is now a dwarf clown.

Small – If your going to make a bad horror movie, or any movie for that matter, filled with instant dry blood, the Myers having a pool despite being poor, and plot holes including the hiding of the Shatner mask you have a duty to provide one thing – big titties. All the tits in this film were hella small, bug bites really. Everyone was still using a training bra. Small tities are a slap in the face. Rob doesn’t care enough about us to make a good film or admit his film sucks by trying to save it with a few good racks. For shame you bastard.

Drinking Game – Drink as much as you can so you can miss this film all together.

How was I able to hide this mask?

How was I able to hide this mask?

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