Four Word Movie Review: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Sex, Old-school, Doom, Kidnap

If you’re like me and tire of reviews that don’t get to the damn point then this review is for you. Four key words as to why you should see this movie. For people who like long ass reviews I’ve added explanations.

Spoilers! So watch the fuck out.

4. Kidnap – As in Harry and Hermione let Dolores Umbridge get kidnapped by Centaurs in the fucking woods. I mean she had this coming, but I like to think Centaurs are equivalent to, let’s say, an inner-city street gang. They let an old bitch get carried off by the Black Gorilla Family in the middle of the night. Good shit H.P.

3. Doom – Fucking Lord Voldemort is back bitch and he’s gonna kill you. Everyone is doomed. Yes, even Ron.

2. Old-school – Old-school wizard fight. None of that Matrix/Superman style flashes of motion with a few attacks. No Voldemort and Dumbledore duke it out standing in place throwing forces of nature at one another until they run out of shit. They start with lighting from the wand, move to fire/ice/wind/etc and finish on dragons, glass and sand. They’re old and don’t feel like moving and when you can hurl dragons made out of fire at people why should you move?

1. Sex – Harry gets laid. You only see kissing, but two students alone in a magic room whose sole purpose is to be exactly what you want – I’m sorry but that room created a magic bed and Harry hit it like a Griffin.

If it takes anything more to get you out of your crummy dump and go to the movies then I got nothing for you. See Harry potter get laid, watch old-school wizards duke it out, doom, and finally an old bitch get carried off by woodland gangsters.

This makes me laugh.

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