Cleaning off my Netflix Watching it Now: Deadline (2009)

Original Cover

I have Netflix and both my Queue for both DVD/Instant floats just shy of the limit at 500 each. I’ll watch anything and my friends hate it. I mean I made them sit through half of Thankskilling (talking Turkey worse than Black Devil Doll). So I am devoted to watching all of these at some point. I just like movies and even some of the bad ones make me laugh. 500 DVD and 500 Instant with more being added every day. On an average of 110 minutes a piece that’s 110,000 minutes or 1833.33 hours or 76 days.

So it begins.

So I’m watching Deadline with Brittany Murphy and it’s  pretty bad. I added it to my netflix because it was about a writer and creepy shit. There was a big rush by Redbox apparently to change the box art which is currently removed from amazon and changed on Netflix. Which sucks because it actually made me want to see the film. Cover drama aside and the passing of Mrs. Murphy the movie is Cinemax quality at best. When I worked at Blockbuster this would have been near the bottom shelf next to a more popular horror movie. Read the plot here.

Let’s begin.

I’m already not paying attention.

Ha, “Ben doesn’t care about the law and you know that.”

So far nothing spooky has happened in…27 minutes. Here is what I’m seeing:

Roused from sleep Alice Evans (Murphy) inspects the bathroom to find the tub full of water. The water pulsates and she bolts to find the pages she has been writing on her crappy computer are running, duh DUH, like…water. She panics into another room and finds the piano playing Moonlight Sonata, it stops and she just twitches in the center of the room looking at nothing in particular.

SOUND CUE! Spooky!

She turns and makes a phone call to someone. Alice is super vague about something being wrong. She slumps down and warns the voice on the other end she suspects someone is in the house. The voice demands she calls the cops and Alice mumbles a bunch of stupid shit about feelings.  Let’s stay on Alice’s face the entire time…we’re going on 4 minutes. Holy shit I think it’s getting closer.  Oh yeah the end of this scene TAKE YOUR DAMN PILLS!

This movie is a lot of piano and people doing mundane things while the camera man fights the auto focus. Hey it’s Riley from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. He still has that same blank stare like a dog or someone who isn’t listening to you. I think that various pieces of furniture in this massive dull homes must be a character in this film because they focus on them enough to owe them billing.

If Alice is so scared how come she goes in the dark room with a single chair and a baby crib from the fucking 40’s? This crib is made out of pig iron or some shit it looks like something they use in infant juvie. Mad spooky.

Are there lesbians in this film?

Damn you movie! I will never believe that furniture is scary, never. I’m starting to lose it because no one is saying anything it’s just more Moonlight Sonata to Alice sleep walking cut with the people who lived in the spooky house before playing in the past. Oh yeah this movie is about a haunted house and some Mini-DVD Alice discovered in the basement. It’s a happy couple expecting a baby, but something lurks below the surface. So really it’s like a movie within a movie. Deep.

I just saw the expecting mother in spooky fast movie ghost form with CGI spooky face. Riley is going crazy, he’s got that look in his expression. The look that says, oh erm,  Je ne sais pas,  “You gonna die bitch?” Yep that’s the one…is this supposed to be a Lifetime Original Movie?  All we a need is a snub nose revolver and a tag line like, “Torn from the headlines.”

Crazy Riley tied up his wife and she openly admitted to fucking another guy. Now he’s filling up the bath tub. LET THE PREMEDITATED MURDER BEGIN! Holy fuck he’s taping it. What a fucko. So we’ve got one death of the non spooky variety. I think I would just rather watch Alice type while looking all methed out. He’s even going to tape burring her. This guy must have 72 hours of wedding footage.

He dug the neatest hole I’ve ever seen. I mean he’s totally done this before it’s a perfect rectangle. Why am I still watching this? If I wasn’t writing this I would have turned this off an hour ago.  Then he taped his suicide, I bet he asked in his will for his funeral to be taped.

Watch Alice’s (Murphy) arms, she has strange bumps on them. Also she’s made out of bones. Hahaha Riley’s mom finds him trying to hang himself and cuts him down so he just thumps on the floor with the clunk of sack of pumpkins. Alice smashed her own phone when attacked and the person on the other end could have dialed 911, now they’re just going to send a text that says, “TAKE UR DAMN PILLS.”

Dead wife returns and saves Alice, it was all in her head…or was it? What the hell was that it was like a beach novel that you never get around to finishing.

Drive In Stats:

0 Tities

1 Dead

1 Ghoul/spirit

1 Drowning

1 Attempted drowning

1 Met Deadline

2 Lesbians

2 thoughts on “Cleaning off my Netflix Watching it Now: Deadline (2009)

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